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6:42PM: Back again, this time with the last installment in our epic melodrama. Only 5-6 hours left! Do you remember how psyched you were for these to come out? I remember. I was almost “dressed-up-like-Aragorn” excited. Had it been like two degrees more socially acceptable, I probably would’ve done it. Or I would have gone as Liv Tyler.
Continued after the jump…
6:44PM: We get Smeagol’s back story. We see Andy Serkis without makeup, and he goes and kills his brother. Here’s an interesting thing I learned. Alexander I of Russia, the Tsar who defeated Napoleon, died a mysterious death. He was traveling down South for whatever reason, quickly contracted a cold and died. There were rumors for decades that he faked his own death, and lived out the rest of his days as a monk. The monk was eventually made a Orthodox saint. When the Soviet’s exhumed Alexander I, they did not find a body. DUM DUM DUM!
6:47PM: P. Jax (that’s his name from now on) is really good with gross. Smeagol’s transformation. How he disgustingly munches on a catfish with his filthy maw. Now, if only Aragorn mowed down an entire horde of orcs with a lawnmower. That would be excellent.
6:52PM: Merry and Pipin roll deep. They straight gangsta. Chillin on the wall, sippin gin ‘n juice, enjoying “well earned comfort,” eating salted pork, getting baked. Speaking of rolling deep, I am sippin’ some Scotch I got on the recent occasion of my employment. We’ll call it “orc juice,” for credibility. It is Laphroiag, 10 year. “Laphroiag” sounds like something J.R.R. would make up.
6:59PM: I suppose we should talk about race. It is sorta obvious that J.R.R. had some questionable racial views. The orcs are “dark,” to put it euphemistically. The men from the South, who are corrupt and ride elephants, are Arab or perhaps South Asian. It is probably true that it is a racist piece of shit. But hey, it isn’t 300. Or Sex and the City II: The Quickening. So I guess we can be relativistic this once.
7:03PM: Gimli and Orlando have a drinking contest. Another theme of this series, outside of Racism, is drug addiction. These guys are wastrels. Total losers. Checking out of life and seeking solace for their weakness in drink and drugs. Shame on them for influencing thousands of young children to believe that poisoning yourself is FUN and INTERESTING! These loser children of Gimli and Orlando will surely grow up dropping out, starting “blogs” and liveblogging filth that celebrates this type of depravity.
7:09PM: I almost have 200 views! That is really amazing! I didn’t expect anyone would want to read this unforgivable self-indulgent nerd-out. I need your support if I am going to dominate the fuck out of this movie. SHIT! Emily is home! Hopefully she doesn’t try to stop me.
7:17PM: Whew! Emily doesn’t know about us. Don’t worry. Let’s just keep it on the DL. I mean she knows I’m doing it. But she doesn’t know how AWESOME it is. So don’t tell her. Let her continue to live her sad, liveblogless life! In other news this stew is delicious.
7:22PM: Minas Tirith seems like a really inconvenient place to live. There is just one avenue up and down the tower. I suppose it makes sense if there was a reason to conserve space. But it doesn’t…because there are miles of fields in every direction. Dwelling there is King Nick Nolte who has gone full crazy Nick Nolte.
7:33PM: J.R.R. was a very devout Catholic. He hung out a lot with C.S. Lewis, maybe once too often. Gandalf in this story is not really human. He is a “ainur” or something, which is the equivalent of an angel. I once read a significant portion of J.R.R.’s “middle earth bible” The Silmarillion. This guy must’ve been king of the dorks. He invented languages, for fun. It is a miracle he ever got laid. Actually, things were different back then. Dorks were the hottest shit ever. Bullies never bothered them. They let them play D&D in peace. Star Wars played non-stop on every television. Girls just spread it whenever they saw an overweight guy with glasses. Ah, to live in the Golden Age.
7:39PM: You could say this film really hits its stride when the Nazgul start riding mutant eel-dragons. You could say that. I dig the mutant eel-dragons. I do. But you know what would be even more badass? If the Nazgul were riding fucking EVIL UNICORNS! Or, wait…fuck that…DRAGONS. Like full-bore, Naked McConaughey killing Reign of Fire dragons. That would be radical.
7:43PM: Elephant Man Orc! (Can you believe this guy has a wikipedia page?)
7:59PM: If we were to re-do the cast of LOTR using only dog breeds. Gandalf = Old English Sheepdog, Frodo = Maltese, Sam = Dachshund, Aragorn = golden lab, Sauron = basset hound, Gollum = Chihuahua.
8:03PM: In non-LOTR news, Tiffany and Debbie (aka Deborah) Gibson, 80s teen idols, will team up to star in “Megapython v. Gatoroid” for the Syfy Channel. Tiffany appeared in an earlier classic film for SyFy called “Megapiranha.” Debbie Gibson starred in the masterpiece “Megashark v. Giant Octopus” (SF BAY REPRESENT!).
8:15PM: I was trying to find a youtube video where Frodo and Sam’s scenes are edited to a Mariah Carey song, and instead I found these fun little bloopers.
8:18PM: I am about an hour and a half into Return of the King. I have around two and a half hours left to go. It is hard to concentrate for this length of time. But, I was thinking, at least I’m not watching all the Twilight movies in a row. That would be horrific, possibly suicidal. All the heavy breathing, and the sparkling, and the terrible dialogue. And at least LOTR makes some kind of narrative sense.
8:21PM: Aragorn just had the worst wet dream ever. He dreamed of Liv, but all these creepy statutes kept cock-blocking him. Bro to Bro, I feel for ya Arock.
8:25PM: SPURNED! Aragorn drops Tranny Knight like she was just another conquest he picked up at the club. Plus, it wasn’t cheating on Liv. Different area codes, baby, gotta keep it real! That’s what happens when you fall for skeezy hunks like Aragorn. They just use you, and leave to go resurrect a dead army of traitors, and they never call. And then your pain forces you to dress in drag and fight orcs. You know, the normal growth process after a breakup.
8:28PM: Patrick Swayze should have been cast as the King of Rohan. And they must have gone through enough Just for Men and Grecian Formula to fill a swimming pool during the making of this movie. No one’s hair is their natural color. Not even Orlando. And this guy…yeeesh.
8:31PM: Let’s look at this from Sauron’s perspective. The guy is stuck without a body…he is a giant eyeball made of fire. You could have some empathy. Here he is out in this mountainous and desolate area. His realm has no natural resources. He can’t farm crops, engage in animal husbandry, or hunt game. He can mine for minerals, but it isn’t like he could use these materials for trade, engaging in commerce with the neighboring kingdoms. They have their own sources of minerals from the nearby mountains. And so he has to press forward out of his boundaries in order to keep his population of disgusting orcs fed and productive. He has to invade because the decadent imperialists in Gondor and Rohan have aligned against him to push him out of the economy. You can’t blame the guy for having orcs either. Orcs have rights too. They also happen to use less resources than a normal person. Since Sauron is so poor, he must settle for orcs to do his labor and act as his citizenry.
8:42PM: A lady-orc is in charge of the catapults! Well that solves that little pickle. This is a pretty bad-ass siege scene as siege scens go. When a stone hits a tower, the structure just crumbles to pieces like legos. When the eel-dragon things drop people from hundreds of feet up, you see them slam into the sides of buildings. Brvtal.
8:48PM: Pipin kills his first orc and all I can hear in my head is “Here is something you can’t understand…How I could just KILL A MAN!”
8:50PM: YES! We’ve endured through disc one of Return of the King. After a brief interval, I will be back with the second half. It is so close I can taste it.
8:55PM: Here we go with the second disc. Let us re-cast the characters of LOTR using breeds of cats. Gandalf = Maine Coon, Gollum = Sphynx, Frodo = short-haired Persian, Gimli = Scottish Fold, Saruman = Himalayan, Sauron = Siamese.
8:59PM: This is the part with the giant spider. Somehow this spider is tragic. It has feelings, emotions. When it dies, it seems sad but also almost relieved — much how I will feel when this is all over. Apparently the spider is named Shelob and is a lady.
9:07PM: I fail to see how setting the battering ram on fire does anything to help you. You’ll just end up burning your battering ram. King Nick Nolte does his best hammy Marlon Brando, oddly shifting his eye brows and making his mouth twitch. Here are my favorite monster species in LOTR in order of awesomeness: Giants, Goblins (cuter than orcs), Nazgul, Wargs, Uruk-Hai, Shelob, Orcs.
9:14PM: Samwise’s dependence on Frodo is really troubling. I think they have an abusive relationship. It is like something out of Twilight, to be honest. Frodo acts like a supreme douche — he is an emotional abuser. But Sam is stuck in the cycle. He is devoted, so he comes back like a beaten puppy. And what does Frodo do to repay his love? More abuse — Frodo even makes Sam jealous with his attention to Smeagol. How manipulative. But Sam is all “he wouldn’t hurt me if he didn’t love me” and “this is what love is.” Sam the martyr. Well, I want Sam and all you Sams out there to know it doesn’t have to be that way. That love doesn’t have to hurt. So drop these zeroes and get with the hero!
9:21PM: I’m not a big fan of rousing and inspiring pre-battle speeches. You know instead of giving inspiring speeches to his men, Russell Crowe style, Julius Caesar would just stand in front of them and tell dirty jokes to ease their nerves? I would like to see that in an action film. An inspiring pre-battle speech consisting of only “yo momma” jokes.
9:29PM: This movie solves the ancient problem: how do you stop a war elephant. The solution is remarkably similar to the eternal “how do you stop an AT-AT” that puzzled philosophers for centuries until it was discovered during the filming of “The Empire Strikes Back.” Apparently, you make them knock into each other.
9:32PM: Emily took exception to my post earlier encouraging us to keep this awesome thing to ourselves. She thinks it makes her sound mean. She says, and I quote, “Tell them about how I encouraged you to do it, you fuckface!”
9:33PM: Tranny Knight is a badass. She just decapitated the eel-dragon thingy. Now she is fighting the Witch-King. This introduces the best little “oh snap” moment of LOTR: the whole “No Dude Can Kill Me…oh fuck that dude’s a chick!” moment.
9:36PM: Ugh. The killing contest between Orlando and Gimli is one of those uncomfortable Ren Faire nerd moments, like medieval-sounding folk songs. I guess it is confession time. The contest hits too close to home. I admit to playing dungeons and dragons during middle school and into early high school. I just wanted to clear the air. Most of the time I played a dwarf. Usually he was a thief. Often he was chaotic-neutral. If you don’t know what that means, I am not going to explain it.
9:45PM: We just had another classic “NOOOOOOOOO!”
9:49PM: Another thing that bothers me about this wanton slaughter of orcs, and I know it is cliche, but…what about their families? These orcs have lives too. They probably entered military service because it was the only means of upward mobility in totalitarian Mordor society. They are just trying to get through the day.
9:51PM: I am fading. I know my content has dropped off considerably in quality (was there ever any quality?). I hate to say this, but it is getting a little repetitive. They have a big fight, they kill a bunch of dudes, someone says something clever. We take a break and talk politics or strategy. There is an extended period of travel. Something attacks and we start the cycle over again.
10:06PM: Ah, the Mouth of Sauron. I was really disappointed this guy missed the final cut for the first movie. It was once of my favorite parts of the book. Interestingly, the dude who plays the Mouth is Bruce Spence, famous for The Road Warrior. The character design is just amazing in this movie.
10:09PM: Another boring pre-fight speech. Does this really make anyone excited? At this stage? They’ve already fought in like 6 major battles. And now Sam and Frodo are taking a break. I feel for them. I am exhausted. I don’t know if I can live through the sixteen endings.
10:13PM: Ugh…. So Sam is carrying Frodo up the mountain. Frodo is such a wimpy moocher. This should be inspiring, but it is just sad. Frodo is as bad as Sauron. Sam is basically his pet orc. Gollum attacks them. This shit is about to get intense.
10:15PM: The weight of this film is too much. It burdens me so! Will someone relieve me of this daunting task? I can barely move. I am stuck to this couch. The film grows heavier with each step Frodo takes.
10:16PM: This story, with all the deus ex machina going on. I mean, you know how the battle is going to turn out. At the last second somebody is going to show up to fix everything. You can just half-ass fighting in your battle, because you know Rohan, or the Ghost dudes, or the Eagles are going to show up and win it for you. Here’s an idea: how bout you give 100% instead of 75% and you won’t need the goddamn Eagles.
10:18PM: The volcano sounds like my indigestion.
10:20PM: The end of Gollum. Well played.
10:23PM: Our heroes did it, they dropped the ring into the fire. Great job guys. I bet someone needs a beer, or perhaps some weed? Now Sam is talking about that hot skank he wanted to bone back in Boneville or the Shire or whatever. How do you think Frodo feels about that? Frodo takes this opportunity to “comfort” Sam. Yeah. Like that. And another thing — the birds in Birdemic: Shock and Terror would annihilate these Eagles.
10:28PM: Creepiest part of the movie right here. The hobbits jump up and down on a bed while Gandalf stands by and watches, like some twisted and decadent Master of Ceremonies. Then Gimli shows up and claps because Gimli LOVES HISSELF AN ORGY! Then the rest of these losers show up and watch the ribaldry commence. That is, until Sam shows up and cock-blocks everyone with his puppy-dog eyes. How is a Hobbit supposed to get down with all that monogamy shit?
10:31PM: So Aragorn takes a shower and grows out his beard. Looks like a less strung out Jim Morrison in France. Aragorn looks a little worried when he’s on the throne, like he doesn’t know what is going on. FUCK AND NOW HE’S SINGING! All his subjects must be like: “WTF, we wait a millennia for our King, and he doesn’t even want to be King…his dream was to SING” Aragorn isn’t King but 10 seconds before he’s decided he’d rather be in the performing arts. You know what? He is like Jim Morrison…BECAUSE HE FUCKING SUCKS!
10:34PM: The King bows to the Hobbits…NOW IS THEIR CHANCE TO SEIZE THE THRONE! Apparently their first order of business will be to mandate that all subjects wear vests.
10:35PM: We are deep into the sixteen endings to this bad boy. Let’s count them: 1.) Throw the ring into the fire; 2.) get rescued by Eagles; 3.) Aragorn crowned King and bows to the hobbits, 4.) Back at the Shire getting a pint, Sam decides he is going to hit that barwench.
10:37PM: Sam gets married. This leaves Frodo a life-long bachelor. Old bookish Oxbridge types like J.R.R. had a serious fetish for the life-long bachelor who dedicates himself to antiquary pursuits. That seems a little problematic right? “Maladaptive” would be another nonsense word. Their fantasy worlds are completely devoid of women — except women who wear men’s clothes or otherwise look like men (hobbit women) — and the ideal is a life of quiet bachelorhood with books. In defense of my Dungeons & Dragons years, at least I still fantasized about kissing girls.
10:42PM: More endings. 5.) Frodo happy and living the life of an antiquary, 6.) Bilbo getting on the cruise ship with the elves. These people are terrible at leaving for trips. They are not dependable. You say to Gandalf: “Hey Grey-fuck, let’s leave at 3 so we beat traffic…” And Gandalf will show up at 4:45, almost guaranteeing you will be stuck bumper to bumper. What a dick!
10:47PM: MORE ENDINGS. 7.) Sam comes home. His kids are cute, but one appears to be wearing a shower cap. The children look at him like he’s some kind of disgusting food.
10:49PM: 129 Entries. 10 hours and 30 minutes. 245 page views. Three glasses of scotch. 0 Unicorns. Thanks for supporting me in this mammoth undertaking. I appreciate everyone for reading. I am sure the content was inconsistent at best. But, trust me, by the third movie it was hard to be funny any more. Woah. What a great film. Full of adventure. Lots of special effects. And we learned about ourselves, didn’t we? We learned that you shouldn’t take drugs. We learned that if your Dad is Nick Nolte, don’t take anything he says personally. We learned that men wearing jewelry, particularly rings, is a questionable fashion move. We learned that you don’t NEED to pick only one ending for your work of fiction. Why pick one when you could have 7? And most importantly, we learned that platonic love can exist between two grown men.
VAYA CON DIOS!
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