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2:19PM: And now we start again with the Two Towers and I’ve spilled water everywhere. We are making good time here, people. We can do this! We are the US Men’s National Soccer Team of LOTR liveblogging!
Continued after the jump…
2:21PM: YES! “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” AGAIN! Jackson knows a money-shot when he sees one. We should probably start the third movie with that clip too, just for awesome. Frodo yells: “NOOOOOOOO!” One of the prime specimens of the form.
2:25PM: I like that the elves gave them some wacky root thing that is basically elf meth. It is a stimulant, replaces food, and lets them go without sleep for days. Frodo and Sam would total starve their baby on this shit.
2:30PM: Let’s talk about Gollum for a minute. He really is remarkably done. The CGI is Dinosaurs in Jurassic Park level awesome: completely integrated, fresh, doesn’t look dated. He is at once disgusting, sad, pathetic, and a little cute. It is pretty amazing how much he looks like Andy Serkis. Compare him with this monstrosity.
3:05PM: SORRY KIDS! I just had to take a phone call. A “business phone call.” Because I am now EMPLOYED! Anyway, I can’t believe I just navigated that phone call without showing the depths of my madness caused by this film. VICTORY! Back we go, after being a little derailed. Gollum must get cold, right? I mean he is dressed like Donald Duck sans sailor cap.
3:09PM: Aragorn dramatically throws himself against the rocks, like a dame in some Tennessee Williams play. I am wondering who is objectively dirtier: Aragorn or the Orcs? Also, some of the Orcs sport some kickass corpse paint. Brvtal! \m/
3:12PM: The Orcs are pretty metal. Like they wear iron and leather and brown tunic man-dresses. They wear corpse paint. The trilogy itself has served as an inspiration for countless kickass metal projects: Zep, Blind Guardian, etc. This is because LOTR is DETH TO FALSE METAL!
3:19PM: FUCK YES! BRAD DOURIF! I forgot he was in this. Excellent work casting the voice of Chucky, the homicidal children’s doll. He is dressed like a black metal Kurt Cobain. He is another connection to that epic David Lynch masterpiece “Dune.” I initially thought of doing a liveblog to Dune, but more people are familiar with LOTR…also LOTR is longer. Much, much longer as I am only learning now.
3:23PM: Apparently Orcs and Goblins do not have a taboo against cannibalism. They just started eating one of their own kind. Hopefully they won’t get Mad Orc Disease or kuru or whatever. On top of the fact that we’ve seen from whence they came, and it doesn’t look sterile. Cannibalism, as we all know, is not even appropriate if you are stuck on a life raft with nothing to eat but the cabin boy.
3:32PM: Ents! Tree dudes! Transparently voiced by the same dude who plays Gimli — John “Bad Dates” Rhys-Davies. Could you have at least gotten someone else? I mean, Robin Williams could have done it in a shitty racist Spanish accent! Anyway, this is some titanically great special effects. I love how the tree dudes have creaky movements, almost as if they are stop-motion from a Harryhausen movie.
3:39PM: The dead marshes scene still freaks me the fuck out. I am freaking out. This is too much. Oh god. Woah. Thank God that’s over. Peter Jackson should make another horror movie. There is something inherently terrifying about dudes with no pupils in their eyes. Unless they a Marilyn Manson. In which case they are just losers.
3:46PM: So this is pretty far out. Look, I’m not saying he’s a lier and a braggart, but Gandalf’s story (I almost called him Merlin, woah) just doesn’t stand up. So he’s plummeting with the Balrog down the bottomless pit. Then, all of sudden, he’s on the SIDE OF A MOUNTAIN, fighting the Balrog. He smites the Balrog, dies or becomes somehow corporally transcendent, then ends up naked on a white table. Then someone dyes his hair white, buys him some new threads, and he CLAIMS to not remember his name. It’s like if David Lynch directed a Bollywood musical.
3:50PM: You know what the fuck is wrong with this shit? I’ll tell you. WHERE ARE THE FUCKING UNICORNS, J.R.R.?! There is a serious unicorn deficit in this story. Look, you gave Gandalf a shiny white horse named Shadowfax. Great name. Let me teach you how to write an awesome story. PUT A FUCKING NARWHAL HORN ON THE HORSE! It isn’t hard. You just add a sentence: “Shadowfax had a mane of snow and a big badass horn right in the middle of his fucking forehead, erect and engorged and pointing to the sky.” There. I’ve just made LOTR more awesome by the factor of 10.
4:02PM: Merry and Pipin are in the throes of addiction. They are drinking some kind of crazy water. Now they are fucking hallucinating that some trees are swallowing them up. Obviously, none of this tree-swallowing is actually happening. We are just witnessing the depths of insanity from our heroes’ perspective. Now they are being carried away by a walking tree. This movie makes it really difficult to know what is a drug-induced trip and what is real.
4:05PM: The Ent is moaning on about not having any Ent-Wives around to fuck. He is seriously jonesin to bust a nut, but alas he LOST HIS FUCKING ENT WIVES. This is what happens when you don’t control your bitches. When you let them leave the house. Or leave the house uncovered. Or drive cars. They leave. And then you lose them. Also. Ent sex. Think about it.
4:07PM: I just made way too much edamame. That was a mistake.
4:08PM: Speaking of busting a nut, I love the subplot that the wretched and debauched Brad Dourif has a crush on Miranda Otto. I also love that this is clearly because Miranda Otto is a TRANSVESTITE WARRIOR SHE-RA. In fact, from now on we call her Tranny Knight for short.
4:18PM: I’m just not Ren Faire enough to get the overwrought singing. It just makes me uncomfortable. Partly because I know some nebbish shut-in with a thousand cats is somewhere right now listening to the soundtrack and crying from the surge of emotion it gives him/her. We all can agree that Enya is major musical artist whose genius has never been equalled. Still, this soundtrack would be a lot better if it was by Toto.
4:28PM: So Brad Dourif and Saruman are talking about the Rohan people, and how they are relocating to their summer home at Helm’s Deep. Brad says, “Look, we can run them down because they are slow. They will have women… and children….” Cut to Saruman. At the mention of murdering children his eyes light up. Cold, dawg. Cold.
4:31PM: Frodo is tweakin on the ring. Obviously, Sam is jealous because girls get jealous of other girls when they are the last left unmarried. He is seriously fiending. Now Smeagol/Gollum talks to himself. This is an effective scene. The emotion in his CGI face is just amazing. It has like 100x expression in it than latter-day Nicole Kidman. This acting ability just destroys most actors working.
4:37PM: Elephants. That is getting closer to the Unicorn ideal. I will give you limited points for that. But still, unicorns make everything better.
4:40PM: Quick Break. We are starting the second disc of Two Towers. The breadth of this thing is just unimaginable. I am sure, if I finish, I will be one of only three or four in the world who have done this.
4:47PM: We’re back, beginning the second half of the Two Towers. Technically, I suppose, we just passed the half-way point. We are making awful time. By at least an hour. But good job, team! I have to make dinner soon. So we probably won’t be pausing, just doing three things at once: watching this shit, blogging, and cooking.
4:56PM: I’ll be cooking beef stew, which is somehow appropriate. A juicy delicious beef stew. Let’s call it orc stew, for integrity.
5:02PM: So Saruman has invented gunpowder, with magic. And then Brad Dourif is all “it would take a number beyond reckoning” to come up with the amount of orcs needed to breach Helm’s Deep. He is punked by Saruman, who reveals a massive army hanging out passed the window. Brad didn’t look out the window when he was on the toilet the entire time he was at Saruman’s tower and notice an army beyond reckoning? This was surprising? What kind of ambiguously weird industrial activity did he think was going on in the deforested area surrounding the tower? Uh…
5:16PM: Woah, I’m spacing out. There is a flashback with Boromir and Faramir (Sean Bean and the other dude). They are totally obsessed with beer. They even have a Middle Earth keg with them. Their dad is King Nick Nolte.
5:24PM: Gollum is the anti-smurf.
5:31PM: The annoying King of Rohan boasts that no army has ever pierced the inner wall, which he calls the “Hornberg.” Similarly, no enemy has been able to pierce my Rosenbaum.
5:36PM: Tranny Knight has a fever, and the only prescription is more Aragorn. Unforch, Aragorn already has one sexually ambiguous hottie at his disposal. The aforementioned Liv, who is occasionally mistaken for her father, Steve of Aerosmith.
5:39PM: There is a serious undercurrent of social approval for chronic and inexcusable lateness in this movie. The Ents are just taking an extremely long time to decide things. And then there is the Orc army about to besiege Helm’s Deep. Could they take any longer? You know what? We really haven’d discussed Orlando, have we?
5:53PM: I’ve had the compulsive urge to cook dinner. So I am going to go do that. You can wait for me. Here are my comments on the Helm’s Deep battle sequence: Olympic Torch running Orc guy, Dwarf Tossing.
6:06PM: The Ents will exact vengeance for the deforestation of Middle Earth. Middle Earth = San Francisco. Radical environmentalists will take over and kill all fee-market entrepreneurs (Saruman) who invest wisely in industrial development and biotech innovation (specifically, Uruk-Hai genetic research and cloning). It is obvious that the Ents in this situation are the least cost avoider. I mean, they can walk. They should be paying Saruman for the right to live on his private property.
6:26PM: OK, food is in the pot. These guys have the same haircut as most of the Spanish world cup soccer team. Speaking of, we didn’t talk about Orlando. Orlando is no Hugo Weaving, but at least he’s clean. I’m looking at you Viggo. How is it you can remain so grungy, and Orlando stays so clean? His skin always impeccably moisturized. Fastidiously using conditioner on his hair. It can’t be that hard to look FABULOUS out on an adventure. Just put some effort in your appearance. Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.
6:33PM: We finished The Two Towers!!!! WE DID IT! Great job. We are almost through. The final stretch. The deadly gauntlet. After a short break, please check out my liveblog of Return of the King starting in a new entry.
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