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10:22AM: It has begun. This is the nerdiest/awesomest thing I have ever done. I will liveblog the LOTR trilogy in its entirety. I own the extended editions of each movie, so that means like 12 hours of swords, orcs, hobbit-on-hobbit love, and Liv Tyler. Will I survive? I would like to tell you that I am doing this without the aid of substances. I would like to tell you that. But it would be a lie. I will do whatever it takes to enhance my endurance and, correspondingly, enhance your blog-reading pleasure. Now, it has been brought to my attention that recently executed murderer Ronnie Gardner watched the entire trilogy before his death. Don’t worry, I don’t plan to get shot by firing squad when this is all over. Though maybe I will want that.
Continued after the jump…
10:33AM: We begin with Cate Blanchett’s husky whisper talking some nonsense about mystical jewelry. Cate Blanchett can read the phonebook and give me a hard-on.
10:35AM: The first CGI battle sequence. Hugo Weaving appears in some shiny armor. Ever see Priscilla Queen of the Desert? He basically looks the same here. The first badass thing happened: Sauron, looking like he was constructed out of mutated garbage cans, comes around to knock people around with a glorified baseball bat. I am still getting used to this live-blogging thing.
10:39AM: This really moves quickly, I never realized that. GOLLUM! Love that guy. Cate Blanchett says that the Ring granted Gollum “unnatural long life” with this weird guttural groan. She would make an amazing death metal singer.
10:42AM: Hobbits are obviously inbred. Look at all the hair! And the stunted growth! And the freakish eyes on Elijah Wood! Also, the women all look like Snookie from Jersey Shore but with perms and less makeup.
10:45AM: Bilbo spends hours and hours pouring over old maps when Frodo isn’t looking. Just like Jack in “Lost”.
10:46AM: I’m picking up some uncomfortable sexual tension between Gandalf and Bilbo. All this hugging. And I know, from prior viewings (although never all at once), that the hugging never really ends in this movie. Eventually, it even turns into kissing. And kissing and crying. Ugh.
10:50AM: Bilbo just said something that sounded like “not some gray-skirted mulmurglemur from gurglebuttlebux” or something and I can’t tell if I didn’t understand it because I am not awake/because of the coffee/because of other substances or if it was actually incomprehensible.
10:52AM: “The finest weed in the South Barley” YES! Bilbo and Gandalf are smokin’ a bowl! Middle Earth = San Francisco. Let us see how long we can make that analogy work. Gandalf is so high he sees designs in his weed smoke. Now Bilbo is telling some insane story to kids and by the look in his eye you can tell he is FLIPPING OUT. Meanwhile, Gandalf is blowing up fireworks. Now the fireworks take the shape of dragons and butterflies. But do they REALLY? Or is Gandalf so spaced by the chronic he only SEES these shapes and we are seeing them through his perspective?
10:55AM: This has turned into a bad trip for Bilbo. His relative came around and he wigged out. He is totally paranoid. Weed paranoid. Now he is saying some unnecessarily maudlin sentimental crap to Frodo. Bilbo is going to regret tonight.
10:58AM: Metaphor alert! Is the obsessive quality of the Ring – that it makes everyone who possess it desire it above all else, kill for it, etc – is this a metaphor for women and their insatiable desire to get married. It is well-known that all women desire a wedding ring more than life itself. LOTR is Sex and the City. Or like Sex and the Middle Earth? Sex and the Shire? No? Hello? Anyone?
11:01AM: Next time a friend of mine is stoned and freaking out, I am going to puff up my chest and bellow loudly their name. That’ll certainly relax them.
11:02AM: When Gandalf touches the Ring, Sauron can see him. If we take our Ring = The Obsessive Lust for Marriage allegory further, we see that Gandalf is the ultimate swinger. But, if Gandalf (like Ian McKellan) is gay, then why doesn’t he want to get married like everyone else? I mean, he has the right to be treated like every other citizen of the United States. Why doesn’t he desire marriage like every other dude in this damn movie? I should probably just abandon this metaphor, it is already confusing me.
11:06AM: YES! The Nazgul! Sorry I got caught up in the actual plot there. So Gandalf is telling the story (for the third time because it is a little confusing) about the Ring and Sauron. Then he mentions that the “Orcs are multiplying.” Which, like, wtf does that mean? How do orcs multiply? I know this is an age old question. We see no lady-orcs. Are they like the Smurfs?
11:20AM: I read somewhere, but I am too lazy to look it up, that Christopher Lee had the Guinness World Record for most movie roles by an actor. Lee is awesome. He brings it. He is fucking Dracula for god sakes.
11:23AM: OLD WIZARD FIGHT! I enjoy thinking that these old dudes did their own stunts, but it is very obvious that Peter Jackson just sat the camera in front of the actors, twisting it back and forth for different shots, and just had them grunt and grimace for like 45 minutes. Later he edited that masterfully shot footage with stunt doubles rolling around on the floor. This is how geniuses work.
11:26AM: The Nazgul, with their red-eyed horses that are apparently covered in oil, search for Frodo and his buds. Why do the Nazgul make the insects writhe and run away? Are they made of insects? That part is great.
11:28AM: [Bilbo hides from the Nazgul] “I must leave the Shire! Sam and I must get to Brie!” Fucking French, trust me you aren’t safe there.
11:29AM: I am obligated, as a Trve Nürd, to mention that Tom Bombadil is controversially excised from this film adaptation. To me, this just makes sense because the Tom Bombadil part of the book makes ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING SENSE! It is heavily implied that Tom Bombadil is God or something. Which, if true, like WTF WHY DON’T YOU STOP BEING A DICK AND HELP A HOBBIT OUT YOU FUCK?
11:33AM: Viggo is in serious need of a shower for most of this movie. I hasten to even think about how badly he smells. The original Aragorn was to be played by Stuart Townsend, best known for being in the Aaliyah classic Queen of the Damned. Apparently he was fired for being too clean. Then sweaty filthy Viggo took over. Prior to this, Viggo’s awesomest role would have to be that of an extremely oily Satan (think a Dov Charney version of Satan) in the Christopher Walken film The Prophecy.
11:43AM: So the Orcs start tearing down trees for no reason. Middle Earth = San Francisco, exhibit 2: San Franciscos hate it when you tear down awesome trees. Only an orc would do that. Who are the orcs? Obviously, they represent Meg Whitman.
11:49AM: Oh, now I remember how Orcs are “multiplied.” Apparently some kind of genetic engineering thing. So they cut down all the trees, build a massive underground evil lair, forge an bunch of swords and stupid hats and somehow all this summed together = orcs birthed in bulbous sacs of fluid. We still don’t see where this bulbous sac comes from, so we can only assume there is some Queen Orc that mates with at eats the heads off the drone orcs.
11:52AM: Liv Tyler. She is trying to adopt the Cate Blanchett sultry moan, but only sounds like she has bad asthma. She isn’t getting my captain to salute like that luscious vixen Cate.
11:54AM: I am going to warn you that this liveblog will descend into incomprehensible rants VERY SOON. I can already feel it happening.
11:55AM: Middle Earth = San Francisco, exhibit 3. Dams. Liv Tyler summons, with magic, water to sweep away the Nazgul. In SF, we hate dams and wish they would go away so the waters ran free and salmon can play and be caught and eaten. However, we also depend on harnessing water for survival. All of our water (or the vast majority) come from the Hetch Hetchy valley near Yosemite…a beautiful valley we fucking DAMMED, THERBY KILLING JOHN MUIR! Just like Liv…sure its nice to be an environmentalist until you need to MANIPULATE NATURE TO SURVIVE.
12:00PM: Just a quick side fact. The biggest search terms that have led to my blog, according to wordpress: “elbow patches,” “batataria swamp photos,” and “arnold predator sex.”
12:04PM: I’ve decided that Hugo Weaving is hotter than Liv in this.
12:25PM: Sorry about that, I had to make some lunch (broccoli and sauted radishes). We are on disc two of Fellowship, good job everybody!
12:33PM: I forgot how long it takes them to leave the elf fortress. They keep stalling: staring at each other, walking solemnly forward one by one. Obviously the elves are anxious for their pokey guests to leave, since the elves have that sweet vacation cruise thing planned. But instead of being conscientious, these losers just hang out in the doorway, awkwardly muttering to each other.
12:40PM: Saruman would also be a good death metal singer. Dude’s got some diaphragm power.
12:42PM: Having entered the Mines of Moria, our heroes discover that goblins are in the mines and try to flee the scene with womanish scream. Then the monster from “the Host” shows up. Anyway, this extended part in the mines is pretty creepy, but I can’t see what’s so scary about the goblins. They are obviously just drunk football hooligans, at least if their accent is any clue.
12:55PM: Luckily, while Gimli’s relatives were being slaughtered, one of them had the urge to update his diary. Good thing, ’cause now, in minute by minute detail, our heroes can read it. Just like this.
1:05PM: Oh my god, this is going to take a feat of strength. There is no doubt I will come out on the other end of this experience a changed man. The immensity of it… ANYWAY, the Balrog just showed up…no not THAT Balrog…and we get our first Dwarf tossing joke. Unfortunately, I actually just laughed.
1:17PM: Ok, wow. So in the comments a friend requested that I link Avatar to LOTR. At first, I thought, “that is really going to be stretching it. I am going to have to force-feed that baby. I mean, LOTR is so classic and emotional and has a semi-sophisticated plot, whereas Avatar is emotionless and has a madlibs-derived plot.” But then we show up at Cate’s treehouse palace place and it is JUST LIKE THE ROPELIGHT FIBER OPTIC AVATAR TREE OF LIFE OR WHATEVER.
1:22PM: Amazing! You guys must really like this. I have almost 100 views for this webpage, the most I’ve ever earned. Thanks for supporting this marathon of nerd! Feel free to participate in the comments.
1:27PM: Cate has some kind of psychic power and speaks to Frodo without moving her lips. This reminds me of David Lynch’s dune which is completely swollen with bizarre inner monologues. “I must not fear, fear is the mind killer, etc.” I just spent 10 minutes trying to find a video, so you could see, but none exists. And look, I just missed all the Cate Blanchett scenes. I am not entirely sure I am spelling her name right. It seems to me these fucking elves are dicks. They don’t give a shit about Middle Earth. They are so caught up in their fucking cruise.
1:36PM: Gimli is officially a sketchy dude. He asked Cate for a lock of hair from her beautiful golden head. What, does he have a collection? Freaking weirdo. Then he got all excited cause she actually gave him three whole hairs. And he’s looking at Orlando when he says all this. If he is into Cate’s hair, just think how excited he is about Orlando. It’s as if he’s dreaming about brushing those blonde locks with a silver brush.
1:46PM: Frodo put on the ring for the first time and we get a tripped out sequence where he gets transported…metaphysically?…to the eye of Sauron! I just flipped the fuck out. I completely zoned out on the eye. I almost forgot THIS amazing thing from Flight of the Conchords!
1:52PM: The tragic end of Sean Bean, the bad guy in Patriot Games and National Treasure. Sean is such a douche to little Frodo, and Frodo runs away afraid. Apparently, Sean was coming on too strongly. Sean then redeems himself by attacking a bunch of bad guys. Unfortunately, Frodo doesn’t know of his bravery, and thinks he’s a dick. This has got to majorly suck for Sean. Dramatic irony like this makes me feel anxious. Kind of like how sometimes in a movie someone will throw something on the ground, and I will say “WTF! Aren’t you going to pick that up? ISN’T ANYONE GOING TO PICK IT UP!?” Or how in Michael Mann movies people are too badass to ever say “Good Bye” before they hang up the phone on each other.
2:02PM: The problem with this band of adventurers is that if you were ever waiting for them, they would always be like 45 minutes late to everything. They take so long to leave anywhere, always discussing it ad nausem, even though everyone already agrees with everyone else. How can they take so long? I despise chronic lateness. These guys would be the worst. You call up Aragorn, “Hey bra, let’s meet at the Meadhall at like 8:30!” And of course you actually mean 9 because Aragorn will be late to his own funeral. Sure enough, dude doesn’t roll in until 9:15, and you are already drunk at the meadhall, by yourself, in tears.
2:05PM: END OF FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING! Whew. TWO MORE TO GO! I will be posting The Two Towers on a separate entry, so look for that after a short break.
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