Filed under: Rants | Tags: bogans and westies, felling lumber, greatest flannel ever, hipster clothing, pearl jam, world domination through clothing
Today I purchased the baddest-ass flannel shirt ever.
Allow me to set the scene. It was a beautiful sunny day in the city. I was invigorated by my daily run, consisting of an uncoordinated trudge through the Castro. The disproportionately male denizens of the Castro meet my flabby body with a look of reproach and horror. This gives me an incentive to elevate my effort. Once my workouts have resulted in a fit, attractive figure, sufficient to warrant a lustful gnashing of teeth, I will have met my benchmark.
That was a digression. The day was sunny, and I was feeling good, so I went to the Charity Thrift Store on Valencia to go clothes shopping. I was in need of some cheap shirts. What I found there quite possibly changed my life: The Most Powerful Flannel Ever.
It is red and black check, manufactured by “Field and Stream,” giving itself an air of absolute legitimacy in terms of outdoor musky masculinity. “Field and Stream” clothing has a motto commanding us to “wear our passion every day.” My passion is ultimate power, and in this flannel I have gained the instrument for ultimate domination of the universe.
On the “F&S” website, my flannel is pictured prominently on the front page. It is named the “Jackson Jackalope” after the mythical beast, legendary for terrorizing the hills of random yokel towns, and also remembered in reference to the regrettable Dave Coulier, who Alanis apparently slept with which is basically an archetypal “lowering yourself” moment no matter what you think about Alanis. But that is another blog entry entirely.
The weight of the fabric is heavy. It armors you against the elements. Your enemies may not harm you. The Mongol hordes wore silk armor because the silk could not be pierced with arrows. Generally, when you are shot with an arrow a piece of clothing remains in the wound after the arrow is removed. This causes an infection that leads to your death. With silk armor, the Mongols might be wounded by an arrow, but they could easily remove the missile and sew up the hole. This is how the flannel works against bad vibes and dark magick of every variety. But, what if instead of magick, my adversary uses arrows? I knew you would ask that. This flannel is so aggressive that no one would dare shoot arrows at it.
The Most Powerful Flannel Ever is so powerful that it immediately destroys all other flannels in its immediate vicinity. This is not an exaggeration. As I held it on the way to the checkout counter, I passed another flannel shirt. This flannel was obviously weaker than mine, because all flannel shirts are weak in comparison. The weaker flannel exploded in a violent eruption of fire and brimstone. A high pitched scream issued from its expiring ashes. In fact, by the very virtue of its existence, my flannel has drained the power of other flannels worldwide by a factor of 10. The state of Washington will never be the same.
Here is haiku I composed in tribute to the flannel:
Bow before red and black cloth!
You are my servant.
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