The fact of my continued unemployment is certainly perplexing. We could point to a number of reasonable causes for how, in spite of a sparkling resume and billion dollar education, I remain bereft of a job for over a year: the economy is terrible; the unfairness of the in-state bar monopoly; directionless job searching on my part, etc. I would prefer to ignore these reasonable explanations and point to what I feel is the real cause of my distress: The Secret International Anti-Erik Conspiracy.
No doubt you are unaware of The Secret International Anti-Erik Conspiracy. That is because it is secret. It slithers beneath the deepest catacombs of Power. It sulks darkly in the shadowy alleyways of human resources offices. “They” sabotage me at every turn. The scope of this conspiracy is massive, representing an alliance of unprecedented proportions (even for Dan Brown) between all of the most important Conspiratorial Organizations. Enemies turn to friends in the the terrible plot to stage my undoing. Across the globe they whisper and intrigue. Let us describe the players and motives behind this evil conspiracy.
Trilateral Commission – A secret organization of aliens with trapezoidal-shaped heads. They meet in a secure bunker under Area 51 bi-weekly to plot my demise. As a commission, they follow Roberts Rules of Order. This causes their meetings to last several hours, with the result that very little in the way of Anti-Erik strategizing gets accomplished. In spite of their unusual appearance, their opinions, when they get around to having them, are not taken seriously by the other members of The Secret International Anti-Erik Conspiracy.
Motivation of the Trilateral Commission – The Trilateral Commission’s antipathy for me derives from my childhood love of the Spielberg classic E.T. E.T. and his race are the ancient nemesis of the trapezoidal-headed aliens. They view my early advocacy on E.T.’s behalf as a formal alliance against them. It is not personal, rather it is the result of a byzantine series of alliances. Like World War I.
Illuminati – The Illuminati are an organization of men and women who wear elbow patches on their tweed sport jackets. This ancient evil has survived over centuries, ever since the first elbow patch was sewed to a tweed jacket by Adam Weishaupt, an immortal shape-shifting demon who you might know under the names Winston Churchill and Ashton Kutcher. Whenever you see someone with elbow patches and a tweedy jacket, rest assured you are in the presence of an Illuminatus. Modern examples include Oxford dons, your grandfather, and various hipsters in the Mission District.
Motivation of the Illuminati – As a world-renowned canon lawyer (a lawyer well-versed in religious law), I was a member of the Illuminati for many years, earning my first pair of elbow patches sometime in 1998. I had a falling out with the organization over the membership application of Lady Gaga, who I felt had insufficient credentials on the transubstantiation question.
The Freemasons – Ever since George Washington sacrificed his first virgin to the goat-headed god Bathomet on that chilly night next to the Potomac, the Freemasons have led all others in the realm of esoteric villainy. Entombed in their granite monuments, built in every city in the most fashionable facist style, the Masons conduct dark rituals of eldritch sorcery in order to resurrect the Elder Gods: Yog-Sothoth, the Beyond One; Nyarlathotep, the Crawling Chaos; the Blind Idiot God Azathoth; and Lord Cthulhu who waits, dreaming. Legends say that paramount among these foul deities is Washington himself, who sits atop a throne of beaver pelts, trapped in the Netherzone, chewing on the eternally damned souls of British people.
Motivation of the Freemasons – As many of you know, I am a great supporter of the cause of the beaver and have worked assiduously for their conservation and protection. In the course of this work, I have come into conflict many times with the Freemasons. Beaver pelts are essential to their blasphemous rites in worship of General Washington, and they have driven the poor beasts to near extinction. My organizational skills have caused them quite a number of defeats in legislation at the state and federal level. Thanks to me, the beaver is safe. But, as a result, the Freemasons have turned their witchery toward me in vengeance.
Skull and Bones – From the hallowed halls of Yale, Skull and Bones members work to complete the plan their forefathers laid out almost a century ago: the complete brain-washing and mind control of the entire United States. Their goal is no less than the absolute bro-ification of the populace. They will spread their bro-tastic message from sea to shining sea. No campus will be free of the frat. No keg without a bro rocking a keg stand. No beer will go un-shotgunned. They have already completed the transformation of our elite. No doubt you have seen the results on a leisurely stroll of Washington, D.C. White hats abound. Bros in pink polo shirts. See how their collars are flipped up? These all bear the mark of the Skull and Bones. Chemtrails from jets flying overhead dust our cities and towns with special mind control powder. Flouridation of our water creates the unnaturally white teeth necessary for true bro-ness. Alternative energy development is suppressed to keep us suckling upon the teet of the Hummer.
Motivation of Skull and Bones – Like all frat boys and bros, the members of Skull and Bones hate a poindexter. If you’ve read this far, you can tell that I am just the type of nerdy four-eyed freak that the dudes just love to pound.
International Socialism, a.k.a. The New York Times – Using their bully pulpit in the press, the socialists want to take away all of the productive and good things that really really rich people have given to us. All of us who work for a living, which unfortunately does not include me, will suffer under the weight of their statist tyranny. But did you know they are actually Lizard People in human disguise? Along with their friends, the bros in Skull and Bones, the Lizard People have pushed for international socialism for decades from the highest levels of power. They once had an entire country called Russia under their power. Now they own France. Our own government is in peril! Only a Lizard Person could think of such things as the Civil Rights Act, the Voting Rights Act, NPR, PBS, the Peace Corps, Americorps, Food Stamps, and Health Care reform.
Motivation of the Lizard People/International Socialists/The New York Times – I learned about the tyranny of the Lizard People while working for the Obama campaign. One day, our office was visited by Forest Whitaker, star of such films as Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai, The Crying Game, The Last King of Scotland, and Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000. That day he was a star of a local campaign event. As I shook his hand, gazing into his beautiful smile, I detected a certain scaliness to him. I cast doubt aside, and continued to work. Later, after his event was over, I stumbled upon Mr. Whitaker feasting on a horde of vermin in the back storage room next to the yard signs. Mr. Whitaker hissed and tossed a half-eaten vole at my feet. I vowed there and then to expose the Lizard People who threaten our Freedom.
Catholic Church, alternatively The Jews – Actually, the Catholic Church has nothing against me, since I grew up Catholic. The Jews do not have a grudge either, since they let me date their ladies. Neither of these groups are truly aligned against me. I just added them here because no true list of conspiratorial organizations would be complete without them.
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