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We equipped ourselves for the mission. We will spend three and a half weeks in a 1996 Acura Integra LS. For this hazardous journey through uncivilized and dangerous frontiers, we required several essential tools. We packed a compass, a leatherman with a hammer attachment I found in the “dead bum closet” of a moldering basement, an atlas, sleeping bags, a cooler for alcohol (we will be in the south after all where you are a better driver if you have some sippy sippy), a bicycle helmet, an H.P. Lovecraft book, a machete, and an iphone. It is also required to have a large plastic penguin festooned in a red neck ribbon. I suggest naming it something British. Like “Olivia.” With this gear, you will stave off all manner of natural or unnatural emergencies. Floods, sea monsters, alien attacks, even cannibals (for travelling in Ohio*).
*Our journey will not take us to Ohio. Thank God.
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