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SPRING BREAK!!! at the medieval monastery. The hegumen releases the seminary students and that means it’s time to PAR-TEEE! They are monks, but they also happen to be bros. They are “bronks.” Bronk philosophy student Brutus and his two brosephs take off to rock out with their cocks out (NO HOMO!) because studying is for melvins. It begins to rain and they stop at an old lady’s house. She is def not a MILF, but she’s got some food and a dry barn to sleep in, so whatevs. That night, Brutus is awoken when this old hag starts trying to hook up with him. HEINOUS! Normally, he’d be all about turnin’ off the lights and doin’ your biz — but this lady is even worse than those skanks at Delta Zeta. Suddenly, she JUMPS ON HIS BACK AND RIDES HIM THROUGH THE AIR!
It’s like, if she’s gonna take liberties like that, why didn’t she roofie him first, ya know? Upon landing, Brutus, terrified, grabs a stick and brutally beats the old witch. As she nears death, she transforms into a TOTAL BABE! WTF! He would have totally tapped that, had she not been so nasty before. Horrified by this supernatural encounter, dude bails. Some time later, back at the monastery, Brutus is summoned by the hegumen. Stupid dean always up in your shit! Turns out, a wealthy boyar from a nearby village has visited. His beautiful daughter was murdered — brained in a field. As her dying wish, the woman requested that Brutus pray for three nights over her corpse. Why would she name Brutus, who she ostensibly has never met, to deliver these prayers? Well Brutus knows…and this is totally not cool. It’s time to hit the Grey Goose, bra! On the first night, Brutus prays over her body and she TOTALLY SITS UP IN THE COFFIN! WOAH!
This is of immense cultural importance. Not because it is the first, and possibly only, Soviet horror movie. Not because it is an adaptation of a wonderful story by Nikolai Gogol, friend to Kal Penn. Not because it beautifully mixes the schlock of a Hammer film and the opulent artifice of Kwaidan. This movie is important because it demonstrates the eternal universality of Bro-ness and its appurtenant social issues.
The horror movie is the perennial medium for Bro Studies, due to its preoccupation with sex and violence, both mainstays of bro-ness. In a more serious discussion, we would examine the film (and the Gogol story’s) deconstruction of the orthodox church as a pit of hypocrisy, filled with drunkeness, violence, and whoring, and where a sexualized violation by pagan forces proves that the dark pre-Christian spirits are more enduring and powerful than Orthodoxy. LAME. Though these bros do not wear backward-facing white hats, do not play pong, and live in the middle ages, they are still brotastically brolicious. They are constantly drunk on vodka. They never study. They are obsessed with getting ass. Eventually, they fuck up and get dead. AWESOME. It’s as if the horror genre was created to make nerds like me, who couldn’t pick up a lady at a frat party even with chemical charisma enhancement, happy and reassured.
While attending undergrad in a Bro-heavy region, or “Brogion,” I recognized that bro activities often occur in places primed for terror. Basements, empty corn fields, ancient houses haunted by the memory of blasphemous rites, bedrooms where the floor is not visible due to an accumulation of refuse. These environments are not new. They have existed forever, just as the Bro has perpetuated his doucheness throughout world history. I have compiled a short list of prominent historical bros below:
Aeneas – Trojan! (Ha ha!) Totally tapped Dido, then bailed like a true gunslinger. Bitch was high maintenance.
Mark Antony – A good frat boy, truly devoted to his Big Brother and mentored new pledge Octavian a little too well. Bonus: Cleopatra is like a naked Liz Taylor when she was hotttt!
Hernan Cortez – The original bro to party in Cancun! SPRING BREAK!!!
Machiavelli – Referenced in a posthumous Tupac album, so there’s that.
Henry VIII – Don’t hate the playa, hate the game, bra.
Lord Byron – Poetry is for pussies, but he slayed so many gashes it isn’t even fair.
Alexander Hamilton – Obvs. The original i-banker douche. Fighting + Models & Bottles = Bro Icon.
Abraham Lincoln – Innovator of the chin strap beard style. Could dunk on like everyone.
Please respond with your own Historical Bros!
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